Coping With Loss And The Holidays Part II

Betty

Today, I'm happy to introduce a guest blogger, my dear friend Betty McCarty, who will share about her son Brian’s death and how God carried her through the grief. This is the second part of a three-part series which ran in 2011. 

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3

I’m a mother of three—my firstborn, Brian, and two daughters, Shanna & Sarah. 

June 10, 2007, was a beautiful Lord’s Day. We had been home about two hours from church services, when one or both of the girls said something about state troopers pulling up on the road next to our house. I looked and saw three Florida Highway Patrol cars and one unmarked police car. I went outside to see why they were there. I knew something wasn’t right. 

One of the officers called out as he walked toward our home, “Are you Brian Gillen’s mother?”

I said, “Yes. Is he ok?” 

The officer shook his head no. I then learned that my 24-year-old son had been killed in a motorcycle/car accident. He was on the motorcycle. A car had pulled out in front of him. They tried to make it sound as if it were his fault because he was going too fast. Some of our family and friends were angry at the girl who’d pulled out in front of him. I have learned you don’t have to “blame” anyone. Sometimes things just happen. 

Soon afterwards, I made a call to a member of the church I attended. I also called friends from the two previous churches where I’d been a member before. I asked them all to pray for us. In the midst of the grief and turmoil, I knew we would need God’s help to get through this. I will never understand people turning their back on God when they need him the most. 

God answered the prayers. I can’t tell you that getting through the grief process has been easy, but I can tell you that God has helped make it more bearable.

Brian was a brother my two daughters looked up to, even more after their father died 4½ years earlier of a massive heart attack. Brian was a father, as well, to my beautiful little granddaughter Elizabeth. She is a gift from God. She is Brian with us. We all miss Brian.

One day I thought – what’s wrong with me? I haven’t cried that much. I’m doing too well. Please understand it is not because I haven’t grieved my son’s death. I have cried and missed him so much. It’s because my God carried us through! 

Sometimes, we tend to miss those we’ve lost more around the holidays. Their loss makes us sad.  My suggestion is this – pray. Prayer is what got me through the endless hours of grief. Also, find someone you can comfort. Helping someone else in need tends to get our minds off our own problems. Seeing Elizabeth at Christmas eases my holiday grief, as well, and my girls help me stay strong.

Remember, tell those you love that you love them every single chance you get. I’m thankful that just two days prior to Brian’s death, I told him I loved him. That memory brings me much comfort.

Have you ever wondered how Mary must have felt when she saw Jesus upon the cross? As a mother who has loved a son and lost him, I can assure you the pain was enormous but so was God’s grace and mercy in comforting her.

 ~Betty McCarty

Are you grieving a loss this Christmas? I’d love to pray for you. Please leave a comment or email me confidential requests. Our prayer list and Sgt. Jesse McCart’s updates are above. The holiday season is a difficult time for folks suffering with grief and chronic illness. Would you take a moment to lift them up in prayer and consider sending a card to Jesse and his wife? Their contact info is on his page, as well.

Emily, the 12-year-old young lady with bone cancer we've been praying for, goes in for a CT scan on her lungs tomorrow at 11:00 and then a left leg bone X-ray at 1:00, to check for bone growth and to ensure she is still tumor free. If the tests are clear, she'll go another three months before rechecking. She is walking with a cane now, so the family is thankful for this! Please lift up this young lady and her family as they go through these tests tomorrow. Thank you. 

Shalom,

Laura

© Laura Hodges Poole

Coping With Loss and the Holidays - Part III

Today, I'm thrilled to have guest blogger Kristin Johnson share the story of her father and son. Welcome Kristin!

With God all things are possible. He will never put anything in front of us we cannot endure. It was August 2008, and my dad was having an outpatient procedure done to remove a tumor in his jaw. My husband Chris, myself, and our three children were heading to North Carolina for one last summer vacation before school started. We decided to stop by the Charlotte Medical Center to check on my dad on the way. Mom had expressed some concerns because dad had to be taken back into the operating room due to some complications and he wasn't waking up.

To make a very long story short, my dad did not make it through this and died on August 2nd, 2008. We were all in shock, but my dad had come to visit me the weekend before he died. He told me he was a little scared but knew God would take care of Him. I felt peace and knew I needed to be strong for my family.

We were just getting through with the shock of my dad's death, when our 3-year-old son Samuel had a tricycle accident at my mom's house. We had been staying with her since my dad died so she wouldn’t be alone. Samuel had trouble walking for about two weeks, which seemed odd since the accident wasn't that bad. He began bruising for no reason and spiking high fevers. We took him to the doctor, and they ran some tests which determined Samuel had Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. Samuel was diagnosed of September 4th, 2008, only one month after my dad died.

Okay, God, you promised to never put anything in front of us we cannot handle, right?

This felt like more than we could handle. We prayed God would guide the doctors involved with Samuel's care and that he would sustain us through this trial. I prayed to God, begging it could be me and not Samuel. He was so young and had so much life! God did sustain us, and yes, at times it seemed life could never be the same. The challenge was overwhelming, but God helped us see His mercy and kindness through Samuel's walk with cancer.

We were so blessed with excellent doctors, family, and friends who helped us through Samuel's journey. Katelyn and Paul, Samuel's older sister and brother were a huge support for Samuel and continue to be there for their little brother. Also my mom helped me take care of Samuel, which helped her get through the loss of my dad. She was helping us and that made her feel good. God is good all the time:)

Samuel has completed his leukemia treatment and is all better. He gets his port out this Christmas break 2011!

Not all stories like this end as well as ours has, but I know God never left our side through my dad's death or Samuel's cancer, and for that I am eternally grateful. I pray for those who suffer during the holidays and hope they will feel God's power and strength. May God bless each of you.

~Kristin B. Johnson 

Coping With Loss and the Holidays - Part II

Today, I'm happy to introduce my second guest blogger, my dear friend Betty McCarty, who will share about her son Brian. Welcome Betty!

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3

I’m a mother of three—my firstborn, Brian, and two daughters, Shanna & Sarah.

June 10, 2007, was a beautiful Lord’s Day. We had been home about two hours from church services, when one or both of the girls said something about state troopers pulling up on the road next to our house. I went outside to see why they were there. There were three Florida Highway Patrol cars and one unmarked car. I knew something wasn’t right.

One of the officers called out as he walked toward our home, “Are you Brian Gillen’s mother?”

I said, “Yes. Is he ok?”

The officer shook his head no. I then learned that my 24-year-old son had been killed in a motorcycle/car accident. He was on the motorcycle. A car had pulled out in front of him. They tried to make it sound as if it were his fault because he was going too fast. Some of our family and friends were angry at the girl who’d pulled out in front of him. I have learned you don’t have to “blame” anyone. Sometimes things just happen.

Soon afterwards, I made a call to a member of the church I attended. I also called friends from the two previous churches where I’d been a member before. I asked them all to pray for us. In the midst of the grief and turmoil, I knew we would need God’s help to get through this. I will never understand people turning their back on God when they need him the most. God answered the prayers! I can’t tell you that getting through the grief process has been easy, but I can tell you that God has helped make it more bearable.

Brian was a brother my two daughters looked up to, even more after their father died 4½ years earlier of a massive heart attack. Brian was a father, as well, to my beautiful little granddaughter Elizabeth. She is a gift from God. She is Brian with us. We all miss Brian.

One day I thought – what is wrong with me? I haven’t cried that much. I am doing too well. Please understand it is not because I have not grieved my son’s death. I have cried and missed him so much. It’s because my God carried us all through!

Sometimes, we tend to miss those we’ve lost more around the holidays. Their loss makes us sad.  My suggestion is this – pray. Prayer is what got me through the endless hours of grief. Also, find someone whom you can comfort. Helping someone else in need tends to get our minds off our own problems. Seeing Elizabeth at Christmas eases my holiday grief, as well, and my girls help me stay strong.

Remember, tell those you love that you love them every single chance you get. I’m thankful that just two days prior to Brian’s death, I told him I loved him. It brings me much comfort.

Have you ever wondered how Mary must have felt when she saw Jesus upon the cross? As a mother who has loved a son and lost him, I can assure you the pain was enormous but so was God’s grace and mercy in comforting her.

 ~Betty McCarty

Coping With Loss and the Holidays - Part I

Today, I'm happy to introduce a guest blogger, my sister Teresa Shewey. This is the first of a three-part blog on coping with loss of a loved one and the holidays. Welcome Teresa and thank you for sharing from your heart!

Christmas came four months after my husband Sal died. I believe I was so thankful he was no longer in pain that I did not begin to process his death until then. Christmas was his favorite time of year and those who knew him, knew he was very sentimental, emotional, and had a big heart. He was often referred to as a “Big Teddy Bear.” Sal loved surprises and was like a child on Christmas morning anxious to open the presents.

This is why the grief was so overwhelming that first Christmas. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t escape from the pain that had a grip on my heart. I decided one night during the week before Christmas that I would get in my car and just drive away. Then, rational thinking stepped in, and I amended the plan to drive 40 minutes away to O’leno State Park and visit the place that Sal and I had enjoyed so many times in the past. When I arrived I sat in my car for a long time, fearful to go by myself into the woods, but more fearful of what would happen to my state of mind if I did not. I wrestled with the fear and then set off to hike. I savored happy memories on this first of many trips to the woods. My brain stopped racing with the sadness, and I felt rejuvenated when I was through. The pain did not go away, but I began to work through it. I became angry any time I saw an elderly couple holding hands and the realization would come to me again—I would never grow old with this “Big Teddy Bear” of a man. All the dreams we had shared had been wiped away when he was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.

Throughout my life, I’ve had a strong faith, knowing that God was with me. There were times I would sit by the water in the woods having serious conversations with Him, asking the same questions over and over. “Why?” “Why does a loving God allow any human to suffer the pain that Sal did?” I had very profound thoughts during that time that scared me; thoughts about the life after. I believe it was part of the healing process and growing in my faith.

Music was another part my healing and I became familiar with YouTube and the availability of Christian Contemporary music. Casting Crowns “Praise You In This Storm” became my daily mantra.

Where was my family during this time? They were right there trying to console me. I appreciated their love and concern. But the pain was too great to share with them. I needed my God, the God who is so good to me, to walk me through it, sometimes holding my hand, sometimes carrying me in His arms.

Now, several years later, the pain has become less; perhaps more tolerable. When the Christmas season arrives with all its sights, sounds, and smells, I may always have those feelings of loss. But now they do not consume me. My faith continues to grow stronger. I know God is in the air I breathe, not just available during loss or crisis, but walking with me, daily.

My advice to others who are grieving during this Christmas season is to find some sort of activity you enjoy and take God with you on your journey. Take it from someone who has been there—He helped me walk through the pain!

~Teresa Lynn Shewey