Coping With Loss And The Holidays Part II

Betty

Today, I'm happy to introduce a guest blogger, my dear friend Betty McCarty, who will share about her son Brian’s death and how God carried her through the grief. This is the second part of a three-part series which ran in 2011. 

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3

I’m a mother of three—my firstborn, Brian, and two daughters, Shanna & Sarah. 

June 10, 2007, was a beautiful Lord’s Day. We had been home about two hours from church services, when one or both of the girls said something about state troopers pulling up on the road next to our house. I looked and saw three Florida Highway Patrol cars and one unmarked police car. I went outside to see why they were there. I knew something wasn’t right. 

One of the officers called out as he walked toward our home, “Are you Brian Gillen’s mother?”

I said, “Yes. Is he ok?” 

The officer shook his head no. I then learned that my 24-year-old son had been killed in a motorcycle/car accident. He was on the motorcycle. A car had pulled out in front of him. They tried to make it sound as if it were his fault because he was going too fast. Some of our family and friends were angry at the girl who’d pulled out in front of him. I have learned you don’t have to “blame” anyone. Sometimes things just happen. 

Soon afterwards, I made a call to a member of the church I attended. I also called friends from the two previous churches where I’d been a member before. I asked them all to pray for us. In the midst of the grief and turmoil, I knew we would need God’s help to get through this. I will never understand people turning their back on God when they need him the most. 

God answered the prayers. I can’t tell you that getting through the grief process has been easy, but I can tell you that God has helped make it more bearable.

Brian was a brother my two daughters looked up to, even more after their father died 4½ years earlier of a massive heart attack. Brian was a father, as well, to my beautiful little granddaughter Elizabeth. She is a gift from God. She is Brian with us. We all miss Brian.

One day I thought – what’s wrong with me? I haven’t cried that much. I’m doing too well. Please understand it is not because I haven’t grieved my son’s death. I have cried and missed him so much. It’s because my God carried us through! 

Sometimes, we tend to miss those we’ve lost more around the holidays. Their loss makes us sad.  My suggestion is this – pray. Prayer is what got me through the endless hours of grief. Also, find someone you can comfort. Helping someone else in need tends to get our minds off our own problems. Seeing Elizabeth at Christmas eases my holiday grief, as well, and my girls help me stay strong.

Remember, tell those you love that you love them every single chance you get. I’m thankful that just two days prior to Brian’s death, I told him I loved him. That memory brings me much comfort.

Have you ever wondered how Mary must have felt when she saw Jesus upon the cross? As a mother who has loved a son and lost him, I can assure you the pain was enormous but so was God’s grace and mercy in comforting her.

 ~Betty McCarty

Are you grieving a loss this Christmas? I’d love to pray for you. Please leave a comment or email me confidential requests. Our prayer list and Sgt. Jesse McCart’s updates are above. The holiday season is a difficult time for folks suffering with grief and chronic illness. Would you take a moment to lift them up in prayer and consider sending a card to Jesse and his wife? Their contact info is on his page, as well.

Emily, the 12-year-old young lady with bone cancer we've been praying for, goes in for a CT scan on her lungs tomorrow at 11:00 and then a left leg bone X-ray at 1:00, to check for bone growth and to ensure she is still tumor free. If the tests are clear, she'll go another three months before rechecking. She is walking with a cane now, so the family is thankful for this! Please lift up this young lady and her family as they go through these tests tomorrow. Thank you. 

Shalom,

Laura

© Laura Hodges Poole

Coping With Loss And The Holidays Part I

Teresa

Today, I'm happy to introduce a guest blogger, my sister Teresa Alfieri. Her story is the first of a three-part series on coping with loss of a loved one and the holidays that I shared during the 2011 holiday season. Grief during the holidays overwhelms everyone at some point, so I decided to re-run the series this year. I hope you will be blessed by these messages.

Welcome Teresa and thank you for sharing from your heart! 

Christmas came four months after my husband Sal died. I believe I was so thankful he was no longer in pain that I did not begin to process his death until then. Christmas was his favorite time of year and those who knew him, knew he was very sentimental, emotional, and had a big heart. He was often referred to as a “Big Teddy Bear.” Sal loved surprises and was like a child on Christmas morning anxious to open the presents. 

This is why the grief was so overwhelming that first Christmas. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t escape from the pain that had a grip on my heart. I decided one night during the week before Christmas that I would get in my car and just drive away. Then, rational thinking stepped in, and I amended the plan to drive 40 minutes away to O’leno State Park and visit the place Sal and I had enjoyed so many times in the past. 

When I arrived at the park, I sat in my car for a long time, fearful to go by myself into the woods, but more fearful of what would happen to my state of mind if I did not. I wrestled with the fear and then set off to hike. I savored happy memories on this first of many trips to the woods. My brain stopped racing with the sadness, and I felt rejuvenated when I was through. The pain did not go away, but I began to work through it. I became angry any time I saw an elderly couple holding hands and the realization would come to me again—I would never grow old with this “Big Teddy Bear” of a man. All the dreams we had shared had been wiped away when he was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. 

Throughout my life, I’ve had a strong faith, knowing that God was with me. There were times I would sit by the water in the woods having serious conversations with Him, asking the same questions over and over. “Why?” “Why does a loving God allow any human to suffer the pain that Sal did?” I had very profound thoughts during that time that scared me; thoughts about the life after. I believe it was part of the healing process and growing in my faith. 

Music was another part my healing. I became familiar with YouTube and the availability of Christian Contemporary music. Casting Crowns “Praise You In This Storm” became my daily mantra.

Where was my family during this time? They were right there trying to console me. I appreciated their love and concern. But the pain was too great to share with them. I needed my God, the God who is so good to me, to walk me through it, sometimes holding my hand, sometimes carrying me in His arms.

Now, several years later, the pain has become less, perhaps more tolerable. When the Christmas season arrives with all its sights, sounds, and smells, I may always have those feelings of loss. But now they do not consume me. My faith continues to grow stronger. I know God is in the air I breathe, not just available during loss or crisis, but walking with me, daily.

My advice to others grieving during this Christmas season is to find some sort of activity you enjoy and take God with you on your journey. Take it from someone who has been there—He helped me walk through the pain!

~Teresa Lynn Alfieri

“Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.” Psalm 107:28-29

Praise Report:

Courtney’s MRI last week was even better than the ones she had in September and July, according to her oncologist. Please continue to lift her up in prayer as she battles cancer. This is a note from her Caring Bridge site:

We just wanted to thank everyone for praying for Courtney especially on Wednesday. God answered our prayers once again. Dr. Peters was very happy over how her MRI looked and again said that the cavity where the tumor was has very defined borders, and a small contrasted area they saw below the cavity, appeared smaller than what they saw on the last MRI. They are leaning toward believing that the area is scar tissue from the previous radiation. Dr. Peters was thrilled to see Courtney looking so well.

We have so much to be thankful for and so appreciate once again the answered prayers. He truly does have Courtney in the palm of His hands! Our next MRI at Duke will be in late January. We are looking forward to going through the holidays with a positive report behind us and being able to relax a bit and enjoy Addison [Courtney’s 18-month-old daughter] this year at Christmas. She loves looking at the Christmas trees and decorations and we know she will enjoy opening presents and getting new toys.

I don’t have anything to add to those inspiring words from Courtney’s family! The permanent prayer list is above. Would you take a moment to say a prayer for those listed? The holidays are a tough time for families with loved ones battling chronic disease. 

Cassie and Jesse

 

Also, Sgt. Jesse McCart continues rehab as you can see from the photo on the right. As I get updates, they will be posted on his page above.

 

God bless,

Laura

© Laura Hodges Poole