Teresa |
Welcome
Teresa and thank you for sharing from your heart!
Christmas came four months after
my husband Sal died. I believe I was so thankful he was no longer in pain that
I did not begin to process his death until then. Christmas was his favorite
time of year and those who knew him, knew he was very sentimental, emotional,
and had a big heart. He was often referred to as a “Big Teddy Bear.” Sal loved
surprises and was like a child on Christmas morning anxious to open the
presents.
This is why the grief was so
overwhelming that first Christmas. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t
escape from the pain that had a grip on my heart. I decided one night during
the week before Christmas that I would get in my car and just drive away. Then,
rational thinking stepped in, and I amended the plan to drive 40 minutes away
to O’leno State Park and visit the place Sal and I had enjoyed so many times in
the past.
When I arrived at the park, I sat
in my car for a long time, fearful to go by myself into the woods, but more
fearful of what would happen to my state of mind if I did not. I wrestled with
the fear and then set off to hike. I savored happy memories on this first of
many trips to the woods. My brain stopped racing with the sadness, and I felt
rejuvenated when I was through. The pain did not go away, but I began to work
through it. I became angry any time I saw an elderly couple holding hands and
the realization would come to me again—I would never grow old with this “Big
Teddy Bear” of a man. All the dreams we had shared had been wiped away when he
was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.
Throughout my life, I’ve had a
strong faith, knowing that God was with me. There were times I would sit by the
water in the woods having serious conversations with Him, asking the same
questions over and over. “Why?” “Why does a loving God allow any human to
suffer the pain that Sal did?” I had very profound thoughts during that time
that scared me; thoughts about the life after. I believe it was part of the
healing process and growing in my faith.
Music was another part my
healing. I became familiar with YouTube and the availability of Christian
Contemporary music. Casting Crowns “Praise You In This Storm” became my daily
mantra.
Where was my family during this
time? They were right there trying to console me. I appreciated their love and
concern. But the pain was too great to share with them. I needed my God, the
God who is so good to me, to walk me through it, sometimes holding my hand,
sometimes carrying me in His arms.
Now, several years later, the
pain has become less, perhaps more tolerable. When the Christmas season arrives
with all its sights, sounds, and smells, I may always have those feelings of
loss. But now they do not consume me. My faith continues to grow stronger. I
know God is in the air I breathe, not just available during loss or crisis, but
walking with me, daily.
My advice to others grieving
during this Christmas season is to find some sort of activity you enjoy and
take God with you on your journey. Take it from someone who has been there—He
helped me walk through the pain!
~Teresa Lynn Alfieri
“Then
they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their
distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.”
Psalm 107:28-29
Praise
Report:
Courtney’s MRI last week was even
better than the ones she had in September and July, according to her
oncologist. Please continue to lift her up in prayer as she battles cancer. This
is a note from her Caring Bridge site:
We just wanted
to thank everyone for praying for Courtney especially on Wednesday. God
answered our prayers once again. Dr. Peters was very happy over how her MRI
looked and again said that the cavity where the tumor was has very defined
borders, and a small contrasted area they saw below the cavity, appeared
smaller than what they saw on the last MRI. They are leaning toward believing
that the area is scar tissue from the previous radiation. Dr. Peters was
thrilled to see Courtney looking so well.
We have so much
to be thankful for and so appreciate once again the answered prayers. He truly
does have Courtney in the palm of His hands! Our next MRI at Duke will be in
late January. We are looking forward to going through the holidays with a
positive report behind us and being able to relax a bit and enjoy Addison [Courtney’s
18-month-old daughter] this year at Christmas. She loves looking at the
Christmas trees and decorations and we know she will enjoy opening presents and
getting new toys.
I don’t have anything to add to
those inspiring words from Courtney’s family! The permanent prayer list is
above. Would you take a moment to say a prayer for those listed? The holidays
are a tough time for families with loved ones battling chronic disease.
Cassie and Jesse |
Also, Sgt. Jesse McCart continues rehab as you can see from the photo on the right. As I get updates, they will be posted on his page above.
Laura
© Laura Hodges Poole
Thank you for sharing your heart, Teresa. This is the first Christmas in four years that grieve hasn't cast a shadow on my happiness. While I miss my dad (and am grieving the recent loss of my father-in-law) God has given me peace so that I can enjoy these moments instead of living in the past. I'll see my dad again (and my father-in-law). They both loved Christmas and I want my son to love it too and not wonder why "mommy's always sad this time of year."
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura for sharing the praise reports!
Good insight about grief and your son. You're in my prayers. I'm glad you stopped by and shared your experience.
DeleteHi Laura.
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by to thank you taking the time to comment. I hope you'll join us for more writing prompts :) Oh, and btw, I LOVE Casting Crowns. Have to be one of my favorite bands.
Hope you have a safe and happy holidays. God bless you,
Megan Wille, author
Thanks, Megan. I enjoyed your blog. I'll check back again. God bless you, as well.
DeleteZhLeet is a community with over 250 members and we all are fighting cancer. We can be your friend too.
ReplyDeleteAfter nearly 20 years, I still miss my two brothers and a sister who were killed in a car accident in front of me on the way to my father's funeral just before Christmas. But God's grace IS sufficient, and each year it is not as painful...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss of so many loved ones. Thank you for sharing the testimony of God's grace in your life. God bless you.
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