Thursday, September 15, 2016

Four Words I Never Thought I’d Say

Every parent’s worst nightmare came true for my husband and me almost three weekends ago. As my tears flowed and sobs wracked my body, the agony spread to my mind as I tried to process the news…

…my daughter is dead.

It’s hard to see that in print—almost as hard as replaying it in my head constantly. Somehow typing that sentence and seeing it makes it more real. I wish it were as easy as backspacing for it not to be true.

One day, maybe I’ll be able to discuss the specifics of that weekend, but for now, I’m just trying to get through the day.

The word has not been invented for what my husband, my son, and I are feeling. Somebody smarter than I am will have to figure out what it is. For now, devastated and heartbroken come close.

An assortment of roses, lilies, wildflowers,
thistles, eucalyptus, vines, and other
plants that reflected Lindsay's
love of nature.
The blur of having Lindsay transported back to South Carolina, planning, and then having her funeral hasn’t quite figured out where to settle in my mind. Friends and family arrived, along with hugs, tears, and food. Beautiful memories were shared, and questions were asked that don’t have answers…for now. Maybe one day.

And right now, as difficult as it is to handle Lindsay’s passing, four equally powerful words prop me up each day.

My God is faithful.

He has wiped my tears. He has wrapped his arms around me. He holds my grieving heart in his hand.

My big “why” question hasn’t been answered, and maybe it won’t be this side of heaven.

Am I angry? Oh, that’s an easy one to answer. Yes!

But faith means trusting God, even when He allows tragedy in my life. It was a lesson learned when my sister committed suicide eleven years ago and still rings true today. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know my motto has always been “trust Him to get it right” when walking through trials. This means in all circumstances—even the ones I don’t like or disagree with. I don’t begin to claim to understand Him (Romans 11:33-34), but I do feel His love and comfort as I walk through each mind-numbing moment.

My family and I cling to the promise of Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Though Lindsay’s death doesn’t make sense now, we’re praying that one day some good will come from this tragedy. Meanwhile, we cling to the wonderful memories we have of her. She was a beautiful, bright child from day one, and her laughter still rings in my mind. 
Happier Days - Wedding Rehearsal Dinner 2011
Please continue to pray for James, Josh, and me as we walk through this dark valley. If you need prayer today, please share in the comments or email me confidential requests. I’d love to join you in prayer.

Standing on the Solid Rock,
Laura

©Laura Hodges Poole

27 comments:

  1. You can lift our family in prayer, we are still in the grief. It's a different kind of grief when it's a baby, and when it's a granddaughter, well, it stings. Those are words we never planned on saying. But may I confess something to you...I did practice. Knowing she had Trisomy 18 didn't make it easier. Because we never knew when. So I'd hear me say it aloud but a part of me hung onto hope that maybe she would be like the Senator's daughter Belle that I had read about. Maybe we would be grandparents of a little girl who would bravely face whatever challenges that were ahead...but we don't get to do that. Because like you, we got a call...oh I hate those calls. Praying for you.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Anne. I followed Olivia's journey and my heart broke with yours along the way and when you shared that she had passed. I grieve for her parents in a whole new way now. I'm continuing to pray for all of you. God bless. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Laura, this is such a beautiful testament of unwaivering faith. Thank you for sharing your heart. I've been praying for you through this devastation and asking the Lord to hide you beneath the shelter of His wing.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement, Nan. God bless.

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  3. My heart aches for you, dear Laura. May you and your family continue to rest in God's faithfulness through this terrible, dark valley. <3

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    1. Thank you, Kathleen. I appreciate the prayers and encouragement. God bless you.

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  4. laura you, josh, and james have been in my prayers since learning lindsay's passing. what i have seen and read out of you has been such a blessing and witness to me. i am afraid i would be crying why me, what did i do to deserve this, etc... yet you have shown your pain yet you have also shown you faith in our Lord. wow - what a witness you have been to me. thank you. tony and i will continue to pray for you all because i know the pain may lessen in the days to come but never leave. may God continue to bless and hold you.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words and prayers, Betty. I've had my moments of crying to God "Why?" I hope in time that prayer will be answered and something about this will make sense. God bless you.

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  5. Can not fathom the grief of having to bury one's child. I think the anger is perfectly normal - any stories in the Bible when saints were angry with God, but like you, they still remained faithful. My prayers are with you and your family!

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    1. Thank you. The prayers are greatly appreciated. God bless you and your family.

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  6. Laura, my heart breaks for you and my prayers are pouring out for you and your family. In the Catholic tradition, I also pray passionately for Lindsay's holy soul, that she is welcomed in her perfected body into the heavenly kingdom.

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    1. Thank you so much for that beautiful prayer, Dave. I appreciate it more than you know. God bless.

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    1. Thanks, Holly. I appreciate it. God bless you.

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  8. Praying for you and your family, Laura. May the Lord continue to bring you that peace that surpasses all understanding. As you stand on the Solid Rock, may these words also bring hope to others.

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    1. Thank you, Doris. I'm praying the same. I appreciate your stopping by and sharing that encouragement. God bless.

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  9. Thanks for being brave, transparent, and oh so faithful.

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  10. Laura, my heart is so heavy for you and your family. I am lifting you up in prayer. You are loved.

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    1. Thanks for joining me in prayer, Marcie. I appreciate it and your kind words. God bless you.

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  11. Your strength and faithfulness amaze me. You probably don't feel very strong right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. May God continue to hold you and settle your heart as you seek answers.

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    1. Thank you, TC, for your prayers and encouragement. I thank God for bringing you into my life and walking beside me through this and other trials. I'm praying for you and your family, as well. God bless you.

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  12. You are right. You are living every parents' nightmare. I put myself in your shoes for only a moment. Your post caused me to weep for you, and others who can no longer simply awaken from their nightmares, and get back to "business as usual." I am praying for you as you find your way through this tragedy. I am praying God will overwhelm you and your family with His peace and perfect love.

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