Every parent’s worst nightmare came true for my husband and me almost three weekends ago. As my tears flowed and sobs wracked my body, the agony spread to my mind as I tried to process the news…
…my daughter is dead.
It’s hard to see that in print—almost as hard as replaying it in my head constantly. Somehow typing that sentence and seeing it makes it more real. I wish it were as easy as backspacing for it not to be true.
One day, maybe I’ll be able to discuss the specifics of that weekend, but for now, I’m just trying to get through the day.
The word has not been invented for what my husband, my son, and I are feeling. Somebody smarter than I am will have to figure out what it is. For now, devastated and heartbroken come close.
|An assortment of roses, lilies, wildflowers, |
thistles, eucalyptus, vines, and other
plants that reflected Lindsay's
love of nature.
The blur of having Lindsay transported back to South Carolina, planning, and then having her funeral hasn’t quite figured out where to settle in my mind. Friends and family arrived, along with hugs, tears, and food. Beautiful memories were shared, and questions were asked that don’t have answers…for now. Maybe one day.
And right now, as difficult as it is to handle Lindsay’s passing, four equally powerful words prop me up each day.
My God is faithful.
He has wiped my tears. He has wrapped his arms around me. He holds my grieving heart in his hand.
My big “why” question hasn’t been answered, and maybe it won’t be this side of heaven.
Am I angry? Oh, that’s an easy one to answer. Yes!
But faith means trusting God, even when He allows tragedy in my life. It was a lesson learned when my sister committed suicide eleven years ago and still rings true today. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know my motto has always been “trust Him to get it right” when walking through trials. This means in all circumstances—even the ones I don’t like or disagree with. I don’t begin to claim to understand Him (Romans 11:33-34), but I do feel His love and comfort as I walk through each mind-numbing moment.
My family and I cling to the promise of Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Though Lindsay’s death doesn’t make sense now, we’re praying that one day some good will come from this tragedy. Meanwhile, we cling to the wonderful memories we have of her. She was a beautiful, bright child from day one, and her laughter still rings in my mind.
|Happier Days - Wedding Rehearsal Dinner 2011|
Please continue to pray for James, Josh, and me as we walk through this dark valley. If you need prayer today, please share in the comments or email me confidential requests. I’d love to join you in prayer.
Standing on the Solid Rock,
©Laura Hodges Poole