Grief and Merriment Do Not Coexist Peacefully

Christmas can be a difficult time for a variety of reasons—grief often a major one. Missing my daughter is at the top of my list. Most of you, whether young or old, probably miss someone in your family or circle of friends.  

After my daughter died a few years ago, Christmas was unbearable. It was all I could do to drag through the month of December, often finding myself on my knees, literally and figuratively, begging God to just “get me through it.” I thought if I heard Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas one more time I would scream. 

Grief and merriment do not coexist peacefully. The only peace I could get—the only way I could “get through” was to remember God’s faithfulness before my loss, lean on it, and apply those experiences to my grief. His presence and comfort had sustained me years before after my sister’s death—and through many valleys in my life. When sleep didn’t come, I’d turn my thoughts to memorized Scripture and prayer to soothe my tortured mind and soul. 

Similarly, the Bible is full of stories of God’s faithfulness when life seemed hopeless. 

God’s Faithfulness

When Jehoshaphat, an ancient king of Judah, faced war, he prayed for God’s help. He started his prayer praising God’s greatness and then listed past blessings on the Jewish people.

“Lord, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. Our God, did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend? They have lived in it and have built in it a sanctuary for your Name, saying, ‘If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.’  2 Chronicles 20:6-9 NIV 

If calamity comes upon us…

Grief is the ultimate calamity. Jehoshaphat’s prayer is spot on. How many times did I cry out in distress and God heard me? I felt his physical presence as if He were cradling me in His arms and brushing my tears away. This comfort gave me strength to get through another day.

Now as I face another Christmas without my daughter, God has filled me with His peace and provided encouragement through His Word and through friends and family. No matter how bad life gets, God hears and saves. The Apostle Paul testified to this in the following passage:

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

We have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us…

God’s Promises

“…This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s…You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” 2 Chronicles 20:15-17

Whether Jehoshaphat, Jeremiah, or the Apostle Paul, all great men of the Bible experienced grief and adversity in varying degrees. They knew that the ability to stand in that adversity rested in God’s peace and assurance of His help. This was vital in “getting through” their present trials. They took courage in the promises the Lord made, which strengthened them to face tomorrow.

 

The Lord will be with you. 

God’s Instructions

This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls…” Jeremiah 6:16 

Are you at a crossroads? Maybe you’re engaged in a full-on battle. Or trying to “get through” the holidays in your grief. 

·     Seek the ancient paths – Study Scripture, seek out a wise elder in your church or family, or perhaps someone who has been in a similar situation. Memorize Scripture for those agonizing sleepless nights.

·     Ask where the good way is – Pray! The Apostle Paul said pray without ceasing. He learned God’s constant presence was a must to face his adversities. When you combine prayer with Bible study, you will experience the peace that God can give.

…and you will find rest for your souls.

Remember the Lord’s faithfulness to you in the past. Cling to God’s promises, as you pray for strength in your discouragement. You can be as sure of His presence and comfort as the old Bible greats were. 

…my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:20-23

How may I pray for you today? Feel free to leave a request in the comments below. Also, please share any Bible verses that have comforted you during adversity or grief. I’d love to hear from you.

 

Blessings,

Laura

Enjoy these three free gifts. 

FREE Kindle download Friday, December 16, and Saturday, December 17, 2022.

 

While I’m Waiting is adapted from some of the author’s blog devotions, appearing for the first time as a collection. This 31-day devotional will inspire the reader to wait on God patiently and reverently to answer prayers according to His perfect timing. The author shares her own struggles and shortcomings in a relatable way that encourages and brings hope even in the most difficult circumstances. The devotions show that it is possible to walk through the valley and not despair while praising God and choosing contentment during trials. As missionary Jim Elliot once said, “God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.”

From the time she was a child, Carly Shepherd has gazed at the silent stars in the night sky of her home town of Bethlehem, North Carolina. With her childhood overshadowed by her father’s abandonment and mother’s alcoholism, she wonders how anyone can believe in an equally silent God. After all, she’s not felt his presence any more than her earthly father. Drew Middleton is seeking shelter from a rain storm when he walks into Carly’s vendor tent at a fall festival, but he’s quickly taken with the talented artist and her creations. Feeling an instant connection, Carly is confused by her feelings, especially when she realizes his spiritual commitment. Carly’s past and their chance of future together collide when she’s snared into refurbishing sets for a Christmas pageant with Drew’s help. Will Drew’s love and their shared experience bring about a spiritual awakening in Carly this Christmas? Or will time run out as the stars continue to shine silently over Bethlehem?

Distraught that she and her husband are facing another childless Christmas, bakery owner Maddie Oliver tries to rescue every needy child who crosses her path. As the couple jumps each hurdle to adopt or become foster parents, they’re always disappointed. Then eight-year-old Chance Simmons comes into Oliver’s Bakery with his elderly grandmother, and Maddie is immediately smitten. Chance’s impish personality draws her in. Determined to stop focusing on her own problems, Maddie sets out to make this the best Christmas ever for the little boy and his ailing grandmother. What she doesn’t count on is him capturing her heart in the process. Will God orchestrate an even bigger Christmas gift than Maddie could imagine, or will she lose Chance for good when the Simmons family suffers a setback?

Blog images courtesy of Pixabay.

Borrowed Hope

Today, I have the honor of welcoming a guest, Dr. Michelle Bengtson, to share a few words about hope. 

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore. What if it never changes? What if things stay this bad forever?” She pulled her sweatshirt sleeve down over her hand and dabbed at the streak marks left on her cheeks from the cascade of tears that had been flowing for several minutes before she added, “What if I don’t have enough faith to get through this?”

I reached over, took her spare hand in mine, and held it quietly for just a moment before responding, “I know. I understand. I’ve been there before. Now that I’m on the other side, you can borrow some of my hope while yours is weak. We’ll get through this together.”

I could offer to share my hope with this dear one because my well was full. I could look back and see the faithfulness of God in my own valley of depression and despair years before. Yet I remember feeling the same way, asking the same questions.

I remember the attacks of the enemy causing me to question and doubt what I knew to be true, and wondering how I would ever make it not just another day, but sometimes another five minutes.

The Lord sent a friend across my path in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. I remember thinking, “I’ve believed all my life, but what if my faith isn’t enough to get me through this this time?”

God used this friend to speak life and truth into the dry and discouraged places of my heart. She reminded me of God’s promises:

  v  “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

  v  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people” (Genesis 50:20).

  v  “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28).

  v  “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

What I know is that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). In my despair, I had lost my hope, and my emotional health had become sick, but as I began to see God’s plan for me, it was like He breathed fresh air into me. Yet in the valley of depression, we often feel like we are dying a very slow death.

Sometimes in the valley of our despair, we have to borrow on others’ faith and hope while He restores our own. That restoration comes when we identify the lies we have believed about ourselves and our situations and replace them with God’s truth.

In my despair, I began to believe that my situation would never change and that I was destined to remain in the valley forever. Once I identified that lie and replaced it with God’s truth, my hope was renewed. God promises, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). Whenever I became frightened or unsure of my future, I recited that verse aloud, reminding myself of His promise, and restoring my hope.

Once my hope was restored, I was then able to comfort others with the comfort He had given me (2 Corinthians 1:4), and let them borrow my hope while theirs was lacking. And in time, they will be able to do the same for others.

Who can you lend hope to today?

Dr. Michelle Bengtson (PhD, Nova Southeastern University) has been a board certified neuropsychologist for over twenty years. She interned at the University of Oklahoma with “The Father of Neuropsychology,” Dr. Oscar “Oz” Parsons, and completed postdoctoral training at both the Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, Michigan, and the University of Alabama Health Sciences Center in Birmingham, Alabama.

Author and speaker, Dr. Michelle Bengtson is also a wife, mother and friend. She knows pain and despair firsthand and combines her professional expertise and personal experience with her faith to address issues surrounding medical and mental disorders, both for those who suffer and for those who care for them. She offers sound practical tools, affirms worth, and encourages faith. Dr. Michelle Bengtson offers hope as a key to unlock joy and relief—even in the middle of the storm. She lives in Dallas/Fort Worth with her husband, their two sons, and two dogs. Among her favorite things are beaches, boating, and sea salt caramel.

She blogs regularly on her own site: http://www.DrMichelleBengtson.com. Her book “Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression” (Revell publishers, August 16, 2016) is available for purchase now:  http://drmichellebengtson.com/hope-prevails-book/

For more hope, stay connected with her at:

To order Hope Prevails: http://drmichellebengtson.com/hope-prevails-book/

Website: http://www.DrMichelleBengtson.com

Blog: http://drmichellebengtson.com/category/blog/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrMichelleBengtson

Twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/DrMBengtson (@DrMBengtson)

LinkedIn: http://www.LinkedIn.com/in/DrMichelleBengtson

Google+: http://www.google.com/+MichelleBengtson

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/drmichellebengtson

Pinterest:  http://www.Pinterest.com/Drbhopeprevails

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn92DHzGSZk8psDb2FKazOQ

  

Neuropsychologist Offers Hope to Those Struggling with Depression

-By 2020, depression will be our greatest epidemic worldwide

• An estimated 350 million people worldwide suffer from some form of depression
• As with the bestselling My Stroke of Insight, the author experienced the same condition she treats
• Helpful features include personal stories, biblical truths, prayers, and music recommendations

As a board-certified neuropsychologist, Dr. Michelle Bengtson has seen the devastation that people experience when depression sweeps into their lives. She knew what research advocated in terms of the most effective treatments and prescribed them to her clients. But when she personally experienced to the ravages of depression, she found that the treatments she had been using with her patients didn’t help her. As a result, her personal experience became the catalyst for a more holistic approach to treating depression in others.

In Hope Prevails, Dr. Bengtson writes with deep compassion and empathy, blending her extensive training and faith, to offer readers a hope that is grounded in God’s love and grace. She helps readers understand what depression is, how it affects them spiritually, and what, by God’s grace, it cannot do. The result is a treatment plan that addresses the whole person—not just chemical imbalances in the brain.

For those who struggle with depression and those that want to help them, Hope Prevails offers real hope for the future.

“Catching Hope Word” image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

In The Hard Days—There is Hope

We milk in two groups. 

I am heavy with child. 

The new barn is almost ready. 

The summer days are warm, and I am restless. 

I have lost one child. 

I am resting each moment in grace. 

My farmer is restless. 

There is much work to be done. 

The details of the impending move to the new milking parlor fill his mind. 

Will it work? 

The success of the new depends on the swiftness of the move of the old. 

A date is set. 

The change; imminent. 

It is a stressful time. 

All my farmer has ever known, 25 years of milking in the same barn,

 is coming to an end.

The move takes over 18 hours. 

My farmer is up for more than 36 hours before he rests. 

We successfully transfer from a tie stall milking barn to a milking parlor. 

My farmer is exhausted. 

Two weeks later we pile on more change as we welcome Elijah Todd Davis 

weighing 9 lbs 1 oz at 4:17 pm. 

The days move to months and winter comes with all its Vermont fury.

 

The difficulties of a new milking system take their toll. 

The weight; unbearable.

My farmer begins the steep decline to discouragement. 

Being the dutiful wife I am, I encourage him to pray more. 

To focus on the positive. 

We dance this dance.

Me the cheerleader, teaching, cleaning,

taking care of a new baby and a step daughter. 

The cheering falls flat. 

  I receive a call at work.

 I meet my mother-in-law at the doctor’s office. 

Something is wrong with my dear farmer. 

In my heart I knew. 

But no words could explain. 

Depression enters my everyday vocabulary. 

A name. 

A disease. 

Little understood. 

The battle begins.

This pillar of a man.

Lover of God.

Student of Scriptures.

My encourager.

Is depressed.

A woman from our church who has lived with depression as her

  companion brings me a video.

It changes my life.

It explains the physiological effects of depression on the brain.

My farmer and I, together, begin the ascent out of the pit.

We seek medical attention.

We pray.

We ask hard questions.

I am scared.

I have a step daughter and a 7-month old.

I am teaching, and there is a farm to run.

Depression is not a household word.

There is a stigma attached.

I vow to educate.

I pray for wisdom.

Time marches on.

Eighteen years later we wake in the middle of the night.

We have visitors.

They are not the kind of visitors you want to have.

They didn't bring a gift.

They brought bad news and pain.

Our beloved first born son had taken his final drive.

Elijah went home to be with the LORD at about 12:30 am July 28, 2013.

He was not yet eighteen. He had just graduated.

The journey of grieving began. 

Less than two months later as the waves of pain threaten to overcome,

we receive the diagnosis that my farmer has cancer.

The world continues to spin without our son.

With cancer now part of our vocabulary.

The winter hits with a vengeance.

Radiation and chemotherapy expand our vocabulary.

Their effects leave my farmer heading toward the slippery slope.

The relentlessness of winter, the deep agony of grief,

the weight of the farm push my farmer under.

It's no wonder.

The lover of God,

Student of scriptures,

Succumbs once again to the fiery effects of the joy thief.

As the symptoms rear their ugly head, my farmer recognizes them.

We cry to the Lord for relief.

There is none in sight.

The weight of this world begins to crush.

Despair.

The tool of the enemy.

My role becomes critical.

I need to remember

Depression is masking who my farmer really is.

The joy thief knows no bounds.

I push aside my grief.

I throw my needs to the feet of Jesus.

I fight for my farmer.

I look past the discouragement.

I call the doctor and make an appointment.

He seeks help.

We manage slowly each day to find peace.

There is hope.

A glimmer.

It takes weeks of waiting for the medicine to begin to take effect.

Weeks of praying and interceding for my farmer.

Changes in doses of medicine.

This disease is not for the faint of heart.

We are spent from the process.

Yet we begin to see progress.

After three months, there are feet on solid ground.

There is a twinkle in my farmer’s eye.

He cracks a joke.

I know we have turned the corner.

For how long?  

I do not know.

We will take what we have and live in gratitude.

There is hope for the depressed.

Hope exists because of Jesus.

Hope exists because there is wisdom and understanding in this area.

The recipe is different for each person.

But there is hope.

As we navigate appropriate doses of medicine,

we also have conversations of what the triggers of this disease may be.

We search for ways to avoid the descent into the pit again.

Winter looms.

The Northeast is dark.

Farming is challenging.

We are still grieving.

Hard days may be ahead.

We will forge through.

Keeping careful watch.

Diligence.

Trusting in Christ.

Laying it all down.

A teacher turned home-school mom, Tammy Lynne Davis is a lover of God, farm wife, and mom trying to find her way while one son resides with the King of Kings. Originally a Rhode Island native and now living in Vermont, she and her farmer own and operate one of two dairy farms left in their town. They walk by grace as they put one foot in front of the other toward the cross. Together they seek direction after their 17-year-old son was called home to Glory after a single car accident and then three months later her farmer was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Her journey through this life can be found at www.farmingoncilleyhill.blogspot.com. Connect with Tammy on twitter @DavisfarmTammy.

Thanks, Tammy, for sharing your family’s journey with grief and depression. Also, many thanks to Katy for sharing yesterday about her journey with depression and bipolar. It’s the willingness to share openly and transparently about mental illness that helps erase the stigma and educate others. If you’re reading this and suffering with depression, please don’t hesitate to seek medical and spiritual help. Suffering in silence doesn’t make it better. If you’d like prayer, please leave a comment or email me confidential requests. I’d love to pray for you!

God bless,

Laura

“Rustic Vermont” photo courtesy of EA/Freedigitalphotos.net

“Dawn” photo courtesy of dan/Freedigitalphotos.net

“Man Walking in Snow” photo courtesy of Maggie Smith/Freedigitalphotos.net

I’m excited to announce the launch of my quarterly newsletter next month entitled “So You Want To Be Encouraged!” In the inaugural edition, I’ll share my exciting publishing news, as well as give away a copy of one of master wreath maker Nancy Alexander’s books on wreath making, just in time for the holidays. To be eligible for the drawing to win her book, you simply have to be a newsletter subscriber. The subscription box is at the top right-hand side of this blog.

A Journey Home

No place like home

“Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.” ~Tad Williams, American author

Though I’ve lived in many places throughout the Carolinas, when I think of going “back home,” it’s to Florida, where much of my family and childhood friends live. I’m equally happy to say I’m “back home” when I return from an emotionally draining trip to Florida as I did this week.

No matter where life takes you, home always beckons your return. Home represents memories of happy times and shared heartaches etched in your soul but always with hope that tomorrow will bring joy in the warm, familiar setting with loved ones.

But, as much as we love to bask in the comfort of home, Jesus admonishes us not to get too comfortable in our earthly setting. He certainly didn’t.

Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Luke 9:58

Whenever I’m faced with challenges that seem humanly insurmountable, I remind myself this is my temporary home. While I have a place to lay my head here, my eternal home will have far greater benefits and no problems!

As a Christian, there’s no better promise to cling to than a home in heaven with our Savior!

What challenges have you faced this week? Would you like me to pray for you? If so, please leave a comment or e-mail me confidential requests. I’d love to hear from you. Meanwhile, would you take a moment to lift up those on our prayer list above? Several folks are battling cancer, depression, and broken family situations. Also, please continue to pray for Sgt. Jesse McCart and his family as he continues rehab.

God bless,

Laura

©Laura Hodges Poole

Mental Health Awareness

“There are many people out there who are suffering and have nowhere to turn for help or are afraid because of the stigmas placed on mental health.” Brandon Marshall (Chicago Bears wide receiver)

May is National Mental Health Awareness month.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 1 in 4 people in the U.S. have a diagnosable mental disorder. Someone in your life, possibly yourself, may be battling depression or another mental illness. The purpose of my post today is to help eliminate the stigma of seeking treatment and discussing mental wellness as we do our physical health.

I blog frequently about life’s trials and how to deal with them spiritually. It’s not unusual to experience a bout of depression linked to psychosocial issues such as unemployment, grief, home foreclosure, and broken relationships. We all struggle with stressors that knock us down.

But when you go down and stay down, it’s time to seek help. If you’ve tried talking with your pastor, a close friend, or counselor, and you haven’t improved, get medical help. Depression can be physical in nature. If you’re experiencing symptoms of major depression, contact your family doctor for a physical that includes lab work. While you’re getting checked out physically, discuss possible treatment options of medication and/or talk therapy with a licensed mental health counselor.

Stigma should not prevent someone from seeking help to improve their quality of life. Mental illness does not diminish a person’s worth any more than diabetes or cancer does.

Brandon Marshall, quoted above, wrote an op-ed piece this week after retired NFL player Junior Seau’s suicide. Mr. Marshall openly shared his own treatment for depression and his belief that stigma prevents people, especially sports figures, from seeking help.

The subject of mental illness holds personal meaning for me. My sister Michelle battled severe mental illness for twenty years before her suicide seven years ago. I’ve written about her on my blog and in an article, "Opening A Window to Understanding," for my local newspaper three years ago.

My mom suffered with depression for several years when I was a young child. She overcame it with counseling from our pastor and prescription medication from her family doctor. She also made lifestyle changes, some of which are listed below from HelpGuide.Org. Check out their website for additional strategies and treatment options.

• Exercise. Regular exercise can be as effective at treating depression as medication. Not only does exercise boost serotonin, endorphins, and other feel-good brain chemicals, it triggers the growth of new brain cells and connections, just like antidepressants do. Best of all, you don’t have to train for a marathon in order to reap the benefits. Even a half-hour daily walk can make a big difference. For maximum results, aim for 30 to 60 minutes of aerobic activity on most days.
• Nutrition. Eating well is important for both your physical and mental health. Eating small, well-balanced meals throughout the day will help you keep your energy up and minimize mood swings. While you may be drawn to sugary foods for the quick boost they provide, complex carbohydrates are a better choice. They'll get you going without the all-too-soon sugar crash.
• Sleep. Sleep has a strong effect on mood. When you don't get enough sleep, your depression symptoms will be worse. Sleep deprivation exacerbates irritability, moodiness, sadness, and fatigue. Make sure you're getting enough sleep each night. Very few people do well on less than 7 hours a night. Aim for somewhere between 7 to 9 hours each night.
• Social Support. Strong social networks reduce isolation, a key risk factor for depression. Keep in regular contact with friends and family, or consider joining a class or group. Volunteering is a wonderful way to get social support and help others while also helping yourself.
• Stress Reduction. Make changes in your life to help manage and reduce stress. Too much stress exacerbates depression and puts you at risk for future depression. Take the aspects of your life that stress you out, such as work overload or unsupportive relationships, and find ways to minimize their impact.

If you’ve been depressed for more than a few weeks or symptoms are interfering with daily function, please call your doctor today and start incorporating the above suggestions into your life.  Hope exists for improved mental health, regardless of your situation now.

Is your life impacted by someone with mental illness? The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is an excellent support network. Please take a few moments to look over their website.

If you’d like me to pray for you or a loved one, please email me or leave a comment, whichever you’re most comfortable doing.